hairpocolypse

and to think, i used to be afraid of the zombie apocolypse. who knew that a hair cut could be so devastating?

surely not me. i had hair almost to my boobs when i went in on saturday. i was ok with going about 3 inches shorter - same style, just cleaned up and thinned out a bit. i walked out in shock, not wanting to realize what had just happened to me. [i won't compare my haircut to date rape, because i'm not that trivial... but almost.]

she butchered me. she layered up the back so crazy like & short. incredibly short. like the layers started at eye level short. remember - i had long hair when i went in there. the back was left in a messy, oddly drastic a-line cut that stopped when it got to the sides. the sides - she left completely unblended. and uneven. and blunt. 

when i left, the first thing i did was put my hair up in a pony tail. cause i wanted to hide from the monster, maybe. sunday, i tried doing my hair for church & it was bad. reality was starting to set in. i tried to wear it wavy like normal & when i saw myself later in the mirror, i was horrified. horrified that people saw me at church and probably thought, "honey - you left the house like that? have you no shame?" it was bad.

this length surely doesn't flatter my chubby little face. in fact, i think it made it worse.  who wants a haircut that makes your face look even fatter?  awesome. so good for the self esteem, right?

monday i was hating life. i hated my hair. i hated that it took me the whole time mikey was napping to get it done. gone are the days of a quick shower and get dressed session. back are the days of sweating out a blow dry & flat iron session.  its fun to have underboob sweat, right? i keep telling myself this. 

tuesday, i was starting to feel depressed. every time i looked in the mirror, i thought the meanest and ugliest thoughts about myself. i know i can be hard on myself, self-deprecating. amplify it by 100. [add to the mess a lovely setting of no less than 5 huge, painful zits that i was getting. hormone much?] i got fed up. i called the salon. it is an aveda salon. i decided that nice, passive hayley had to shut the hell up & stand up for her self. 

i explained to the lady that answered that i had a butch job done and that i wanted it fixed. i no longer want to look like florence henderson in the back with dog ears in front. she giggled and set me up to get fixed tonight. 

the girl that fixed me - she's not 12, she's my age in fact - she sat me down and we talked about it. when i asked for a little validation, she agreed - horrible. and she said that that was being professional. she apologized and told me that in order to fix it, she was going to have to go even a little bit shorter, but that she'd try her hardest to leave length. and fix it she did. i left there tonight satisfied with the haircut that i now have. i may not be happy about it, but at least i don't feel absolutely ridiculous now. 

so i may not be able to pull it up into a pony tail anymore. its that short. and i may have to spend my whole time that mikey's napping doing it... but at least i am not a shame to myself when i walk out of my bathroom anymore. well, there is still the fat girl with boob sweat issue - but i'm working on that, too. 

i'll even go back to this new girl. megan. but i warned her that i'll be growing it out and to not expect me back in right away.  she said i was welcome. she fixed it & i appreciate it. she even sent me home with a bottle of hair product. that made momma happy.

don't ask for pictures. none were taken. even i don't hate myself that much. i seriously wanted to cry.

hair rant

note to self: when you're feeling fat and frumpy, a hair cut doesn't fix the problem.

lately i've been feeling frumpy. and i know it is all my fault - i'm not trying to blame anyone here. i'm just venting. i know it is my fault for not taking the time and putting forth the effort to get dressed everyday. i know it is my fault for putting all of the food into my mouth & not losing weight. 

i could argue here that things are difficult with the getting dressed because of our tiny little house and my husband working from home and how sometimes it is just impossible to space out work calls, blow dryers, napping baby and treadmill time. but i won't. if i really wanted to, i'd make it happen. but it is hard. in my defense. 

i was growing out my hair. i don't know why, just for shits and giggles. probably the biggest reason why: i hadn't gotten a hair cut since before mikey was born. i got my bangs trimmed right before he was born and then again about 6 weeks after he was born. and then nothing since.

garrett was due for a hair cut & i've finally convinced him to go to my girl. costs more, but better haircuts are worth it, we've decided. so i thought, "maybe a haircut will help fix some of my frump."

wrong. wrong. wrong. now, it is just shorter. and harder to just throw up in a pony tail. and i have bangs again. so i'm going to have to go through that stage of growing 'em out again. at some point. drat. i love the girl that does my hair, she's hilarious & all... but sometimes i don't feel like she listens. she doesn't always do what i tell her i want her to do. you know? i kinda feel like i've always got some variation of the same style. 

this just wasn't what i needed for the frump factor this week. especially since i've got crazy a dry patches of skin all over my face. and my face is super round. and i'm sick. 

there was this old lady that used to teach at my school. she was senile. should've retired from teaching about 10 years before she did. she was one of those people who would ALWAYS tell me i looked sick or tired. you know, she meant well, but still. it is rude to tell people that they look sick/tired. a couple of weeks ago, i was bored on a friday afternoon, so i went to visit kimmy. just so happens, this old lady was also there that day, too - visiting people. kimmy and i were laughing because i hid from running into this lady in her room. cause i said, "my self esteem just can't handle a joanne comment."

anyway. venting over. my hair is ugly. i'm squeezing into my clothes still. i'm frustrated with myself in so many ways. i'm really sick of being sick and not being able to take anything. i don't love the fact that all i want to do is go finish off a pan of brownies right now. doesn't help the situation. 

thank heavens that my husband tells me i'm pretty everyday, even when i haven't shower, i've got tissues stuffed up my nose, my bangs are in greasy clumps and all i do is groan. i'm a real treat for him, yeah! [i put on a little makeup in the afternoon yesterday, i was trying to class it up for him. but he still made dinner.] and luckily, mikey still grins a whole body grin when he sees me. at least my 2 crazy boys love me. cause lately they're the only people who could possibly get excited to see my ugly mug.

Rantings from my iPod

It is 1:52 am and I am nursing Mikey. That's not what has me grumpy.

My achy sore for what seems like no good reason body got me started. Then finding a grumpy email from my sister didn't help. [she wasn't grumpy with me, she showed me something incredibly obnoxious and I joined her grump.]

The raging wind and storm outside doesn't help. That storm is just lucky it only woke up me, not Mikey. He just woke up for food.

I want my body to stop aching. I want people to get over themselves, seriously. Oh that reminds me... Another thing making me grumpy: guest post bloggers. Another group of people that need to get over themselves. In my mind, they can't write their own crap. I'm taking guest poster people out of my google reader in the morning. I just don't have time to be reading their other people's crap. Don't even get me started on giveaways right now...

Time to burp and switch sides. Rant over. Back to smiling at the baby.

do NOT shop at furniture warehouse!

friday our bed came. the delivery people set it up [wrong] and put the mattress on top for us before we could inspect and realize there might be a problem. friday night we got home late and sat on the bed to watch a show before going to sleep - it came crashing down around us. garrett was livid. more mad than i have ever seen him. my immediate reaction was to laugh. cause i laugh when i see things like that - even when it is my own little accident & i'm not too hurt. then i started crying, as garrett dragged the mattress out into our living room. sad cause "now what?" - we waited an impossible amount of time for the bed to actually come, now how long would we have to wait for the morons at furniture warehouse to fix this problem?

we were ready to send everything back and get our cash back from them. just be done and start over. but - in 6 weeks, i could be having a baby & getting rid of all of our furniture now is too risky. why punish ourselves even more. we decided that garrett could fix it. he came up with a plan to repair the stripped sides and build reinforcements, so this problem doesn't happen again.[for the record - furniture warehouse's consolation prize to us - a $200 gift card to use at their store. yeah, cause that is exactly where we want to go spend our money now.]

so he spent his saturday measuring, buying, cutting, re-cutting [the wood] and repairing [the bed] & saturday night we slept in our new bed finally. carefully. i am not going to lie, i was scared if we both turned over at the same time, everything would come crashing down... but it hasn't yet.

did i ever mention that a few weeks ago when garrett called to complain, one of the receptionists got mad at garrett and hung up on him?!? don't shop at furniture warehouse! don't support those people. i have been nothing but disappointed with them and their customer service.

and yes, that is a bowl of peanut m&m's that i brought in to him while he was working. i'm pretty sure that he didn't eat any, but i managed to finish the bowl by the end of the afternoon.

sometime i'll post a picture of our new bed actually put together and made. and guess what mom and dad - i made the bed again today. [yesterday when i told them both individually that i made the bed, they both laughed at me, not believing. rude.]

nothing new to say

i'm only getting fatter. and grumpier.

our furniture still isn't here all the way. [couch + bed]

am loving the new mattress though. and having garrett back sleeping with me. good news is: if i can get comfortable - the snoring doesn't bug. too much. and i've been getting as comfortable as i possibly can. aside from having to crawl off the floor twice a night to pee.

am making slow but steady progress on getting my room dismantled. my garbages are overflowing everyday. garrett comes after work and helps me load up stuff. i've got piles of things to give to people.

can't wear my wedding ring anymore. my hands and feet like to be swollen by lunch time. so does my butt, thighs, face, arms, and calves. jerks.

sorry, i know you've all heard it all before. don't forget i like dr pepper. cause you've never heard that either. actually, a can of dr pepper was my life saver this morning when nothing seemed to be going right. i even sent garrett an email saying that if i spilled that can, i was running away and not coming back. that's how dire the situation was.

wow. i haven't ranted in a long time. sadly, this is a very watered down version of what i'm really thinking. [insert about 50 swear words at your own free will to figure out what i'm really thinking.]

feedback to the anonymous commenter yesterday:

• i think anonymous commenters are pathetic losers. either you know me and don't have the balls to say something to my face or you're just some random rude wanderer who doesn't know me and doesn't really know the whole situation.
• i only allowed anonymous commenters on my blog cause of meeja. she wanted to be able to leave comments, but never does, so i'm taking away the option. sorry meeja. i just don't like getting rude comments. if you wanna leave a comment bad enough, i can help you create a profile or something. [meeja isn't a pathetic loser, she would claim her comments.]
• that jackass anonymous commenters said "wow, you should be sleeping on the floor. your hubby sounds like an angel." DUH! have i ever denied that? no, in fact, i think i mostly make people sick about how i go on and on about how i'm the luckiest girl in the world.
• and i'm sorry, you stupid jackass, but no, i should not be sleeping on the floor. a)garrett would never allow that. b)i'm pregnant. and as spoiled and rotten as i may be, i'm not backing down from the fact that a pregnant girl shouldn't sleep on the floor. c)if i should be sleeping anywhere - i should be sleeping in the guest room where we have a spare bed. d)but since that's not "my bed" i can't sleep well in there, so garrett goes elsewhere. yes. i have major guilt about him not just sleeping in there, in a bed. but he chose the love sac cause it wasn't as far away. and he likes the floor now, cause it'll help him move into bed quicker & we're closer together. cause as wierd and twisted as this whole thing is, we want to be able to sleep in the same bed together. i just have major issues with sleeping & he's a nice guy who is trying to help. and i'm working on it.
• anonymous commenter, i can't help but feel sorry for you. you're ugly. that's gotta be why you hide behind anonymity. and you're probably married to an even bigger jackass than you. you should be very, very jealous. i couldn't be happier. even with little weasels like you around.
• finally, get a life. if you don't have something nice to say to someone - don't leave a comment on their blog. i wouldn't be sad if you never came to my blog again. no one likes you.

a ? for my fellow local internet users

so, i've had comcast for the last few years, because my community uses comcast for cable that we get with our HOA. so i've always just used comcast because it was just easier. but lately, the cable modem has been driving me insane. luckily garrett's around to putz/fix it because i swear, i would've thrown it & broken it by now. i have a tendency to physically beat things into submission. i have definitely used a few colorful words about it. garrett's asked me a few times to not say certain words...

well... garrett called comcast last night, mainly cause i think he's tired of hearing me swear about it. they're sending out a repairman today. free of charge - yeah, like i'd pay for them to come fix their own problem. like free of charge is supposed to be some sort of grace they're giving me. suck it comcast.

i mean, if i were doing something wrong, i wouldn't mind being charged for my own faults. just like if you don't pay a bill, they cut off the service. i'm not disagreeing with that. but if i've paid my bill & i'm not doing anything wrong, it is your fault, you fix it. and don't even think about charging me for it. or i'll punish you. hello, tmobile?!?

in the meantime, i decided to do a little threatening to the comcast peeps... cause i don't forsee this really solving the problem for me. and i decided to do a little research behind my threats, so i'm not making empty threats & i don't continue to feel frustrated... i can take action.

here's what i found:
we could switch to qwest & save $15 a month. who uses qwest? have you been happy with your services? i guess at this point i'm kinda thinking: even if they're not super reliable, at least we're saving $15 a month, right?

basically, comcast has one last, half hearted chance from me. i kinda want them to fail, to give me an excuse to switch & to start saving. stupid stupid cable modem.

guess it's time for weight watchers again

my skirt zipper just busted open. and i don't have time today to go home between dr appointments & art gallery openings to change. so, i will be ever so lovely & classy today - fastened up with a safety pin. just keep your fingers crossed that that doesn't give. son of b!tch. guess i better get back to weight watchers. guess i better not go get a soda to calm myself. too bad i probably will. i'm so grumpy now.

Saturday Update: we're officially back on WW... starting tomorrow.

the 4 reasons why i'm not pregnant

i was asked 4 times if i am pregnant today. wow. i mean, i know i'm a chubber & all... but seriously? i was under the impression that its not kosher to ask someone if they're pregnant or not.

Reason #1. i drank a dr pepper early this morning. cause the week before school starts requires that sort of thing. when our lunch didn't start until well after 12.30, i was jittery. mainly cause i'm usually off of caffeine now. but it could also have been because 12.30 is a late lunch for me! i made a side comment to kim that i was feeling jittery & someone who overheard that asked me if i was pregnant. um, no.

Reason #2. at lunch, they opened the pop machines & i grabbed a barq's root beer. someone asked why, i said i didn't want more caffeine. someone else said, "i thought barq's has caffeine." not in utah, i explained. i still looked on the can though to make sure i was right... someone sees me looking for caffeine on the can & asks me if i'm pregnant. um, no.

Reason #3. after lunch, i announced to kim i have to pee. cause i have now had 2 sodas & a whole water bottle to drink. someone overhears me telling kimmy that i have to pee & asks me if i'm pregnant. two lessons learned here. don't announce things to kimmy, especially regarding my bodily functions - most definitely not when others can hear & also, maybe i need to lay off the drinking. but on the pregnant issue - still -um, no.

Reason #4. i needed to meet with a man teacher at my school this afternoon on school stuff. we talked about working while we were both in the workroom. i had crap in my hands that i needed to drop off in my classroom... i said i'd meet him down in his room in a few minutes. when i got down there, he wasn't there. so i went and sat in the hall, waiting for him. this is the 2nd day back to work for teachers. yesterday i worked 12 hours & a lot of it was moving furniture, etc. hard, mentally exhausting, long a$$ days. by nearly 5 this afternoon, i needed to sit on the floor. my back hurts, my feet hurt... when i got up, apparently i "waddled" cause he asked me if i was pregnant. um, no.

I AM JUST CHUBBY! PLEASE, EVERYONE MAKE NOTE: WHEN I AM PREGNANT, I'LL TELL YOU. DEAL?

and yes, every single time someone asked me today, my response was "nope, i'm just chubby!" and yes, people felt stupid & started backpedaling, and yes, i'm ok with their stupid feelings & attempted cover ups. but no, i didn't get all feelings hurty. just slightly irritated by #4.

good.night.nurse.

outspoken?

would you consider me outspoken? apparently most of the people at my school think so. at our end of year social today, i was given the "award" most outspoken. at first, i was just happy to get a piece of candy. then as i sat and thought about it, i felt like a huge horse's ass. cause i guess i don't have a positive connection in me brains with being outspoken.

not going to lie, i kinda stewed. before i left the gathering, i told kimmy that i was going to tell anyone who said i'm outspoken to suck it. hmmm - where oh where would people get that idea of me?

so tonight - i looked up the definition of outspoken:
out·spo·ken - adj.

1. Spoken without reserve; candid.

2. Frank and unreserved in speech.

ok - so those aren't as bad as in my head i made outspoken out to be. but still. i don't mind being known as a blunt person. i like people to know i will speak my mind. but still, not too deep down, i don't think i like being called that word. too bad i wasn't in on passing out some "awards" - i could've come up with a doozy or two for a few people. luckily for them, i know when to keep my mouth shut [sometimes] and don't tell everyone everything i think. see - i'm not outspoken, am i? would you be offended if someone called you outspoken?

maybe...

...i'm in a grumpy mood today because i have a HUGE zit festering on the side of my face. and it hurts.

...i'm in a grumpy mood today because one of my kids isn't here today for math testing. so i'll have to makeup testing later in the week. for just one person.

...i'm in a grumpy mood today because i'm sick of dealing with other teachers who only care about their own agenda & can't see the big picture. how it affects more than just them... like a whole team. why is it so hard for some people to see the big picture?

...i'm in a grumpy mood today because my back is hurting. like on the verge of going out. i keep getting shooting pains down my leg. my lower back is so tight. i'm sure this is all stress induced, but enough already.

any of these reasons are enough to make me foul. but all of them together? watch out. i'm ready for a break. [from other teachers, politics & other adults, not the children] i'm so glad i only have 3 more days til i go off track.

you know what really pisses me off?

being told not to worry about someone.

i worry because i care. i can't help it.

being told not to worry about you, to me is a slap in the face. it's like being told not to care.

so then i make it my goal not to care. so suck it.

don't ask me who this is directed at. i'm not going to talk any more about it. this is plenty.

stinky feet & further updates

i'm sure you're all dying to know that the shoes i'm wearing sans the socks are giving me stinky feet today. it's killing me. my sensitive nose is not appreciating my in between shoes & socks before we move on to flops stage. i'm feeling rather grumpy about it in fact. apparently getting fat not only gives me extra rolls on my belly, it also gives me stinky feet. any other explanations?

also - i would like to say that i'm having sympathy pains for my dad. who's shoulder is all banged up, since i'm sure you couldn't have forgotten. (what not everyone's counting down the minutes til friday night??? that's when he gets back from moscow, peeps... get your head in the game!) it's gotta be sympathy pains & not that i'm sleeping wierd on my already cooky shoulder.

hopey loves talking to her guy. heather and i have started messing with her head about it, too. she'll usually come talk to me if i want her to... but she always asks about guy. even better when he's there & she can talk to him. i can barely remember how she used to not like him, although i do remember that she embraced him quickly. yesterday, while hopey was playing next to heather (who was talking to me on the phone) - heather casually used garrett's name in the convo. hope came a running saying, "i talk to that guy!" then - when i said hello to her first, before garrett did, she said, "no, i want to talk to guy." i wasn't good enough. i love it. she's a crack up.

oh & another favorite - using the webcam & chatting with holly & the boys. especially will who likes to just sit and wave at me. i love that boy. and the bigger one, too.

i best clarify

so, i posted the other day some thoughts about blogging. i didn't mean to cause a stir. i just meant to voice some opinions. i had text messages, emails, conversations - you name it -with people asking who i was mad at.

let me be specific here - i was mad at no one.

i have always had thoughts on certain things and or heard comments on certain things. these thoughts had been formulating for a while, and honestly i don't know what prompted me to write them... except maybe trying to busy myself with something other than thank you notes? that post surely wasn't written out of anger.

rest assured: if i ever am mad at you, you'll probably know. most likely the reason you'll know is cause i'll have told you. i might not express myself clearly all of the time, but i surely express myself.

and please don't feel ashamed of yourself if you post pictures of your kids on your blog. i was just using that as an example. if i like you, i probably like your kids. i probably love seeing pictures of them! and keep in mind that i do in fact post pictures of my nieces and nephews often. so, feel free to tell me to suck it. (except jared or liz, if you read this, please don't tell madeline that i said suck it.)

please don't go changing on me now...

with that being said, i have noticed lately a few things in the blogging world & they kinda... do something. i don't think i feel strongly enough to say bug me. but they do catch my attention. and i'm not trying to call anyone out, i just think it's funny & so i'm saying it. please don't feel offended. i'm just stating an opinion or something. and since this is my blog, i can.

• i've noticed that since Garrett & i got married, every once in a while i notice in people's list that my blog is listed as the Ward family. it tickles me. mostly cause my name isn't jones any more and i'm still getting used to it. but also i think its funny cause i think people just glom married people into a family. garrett has his own blog. i have mine. we've talked about it, we won't be creating a joint blog. my blog is and always will be my perspective on things. and not just pictures of my kids smiling on the couch. don't get me wrong, if you post pictures of your kids smiling on the couch, i love it... yours is probably more of a family blog. i realize that i rant a lot less now - and that is because of garrett and this little family that we're building. but i've still got the same ol' piss and vinegar in me. it just comes out more now in private jokes that wouldn't be appropriate to share. cause parental units read. ;)
• i always get a kick out of people thinking they have the right to express opinions about my blog. do you think i care? rest assured i don't. so if you don't like something about what i say or how i do it, don't bother to let loose on me. it might get said. you might get it out there. but i'm not going to change. i do it my way for a reason & i don't have to explain myself. it doesn't mean i'm dumb. it doesn't mean i can't spell, capitalize or grammatize properly. i can. hells sake - i am college educated & teach kids all the time how to do things the right way. and hopefully, i'll be big enough to keep my opinions about you quiet.
• i know for a fact that there are people out there who are fakey on their blogs. maybe fake isn't the word - maybe it's more like "keeping up with the joneses," especially in the mormon community of competition to look the most righteous. i am not one of those people. i don't do fake. i do quiet & polite, but not fake. everyone has things that they don't want to the whole world to know - but i've always been pretty open. some details are left out mostly just cause - but if you were to ask, i would for sure tell you anything, probably in a private email. there was a time in the last few years where i wasn't as happy as i am now, and my dark side was shown more, i realize. right now, i am as genuinely happy as i seem. in fact, i would say that most of how i feel can't even begin to be expressed on my blog.
  
• when i first got started blogging, there was a small little circle of people that i cared about. then things got a little crazy & it seems like that world just kept multiplying. then, quite honestly, it got too big for its britches. i use google reader, but i comment a lot less. my family has grown. i don't comment on every post in my family circle, but i try. family is honestly my highest priority & interest now. then i go back to my beginning circle of blogging friends, cause for whatever reason they won my heart over a year plus some ago & they still entertain me. then i go to real life friends - the ones that if i don't comment on, they know i love them & i don't feel the need to "keep up" with. i've pretty much gotten over the need to "owe" anyone comments. i don't participate in every giveaway (mostly cause i've always thought they were a little pimped) and i don't do every themed post. i don't have time & i just don't care enough. and i've never been big on doing things out of obligation. it's your thing. have fun. relax a little & don't be hurt at me if i don't do it, too.
  

so. all in all - be happy. i'm happy. blog for yourself. let us hear your voice. you've heard mine now. good day. and please, if you have my blog listed as the ward family - don't change it.

tidbits...

• i'm half way through with parent teacher conferences. last night was very sucessful. these kids are good kids. i really enjoy them. and they've made a ton of progress, especially with their reading this year. tonight will probably go smoothly, too.
  
• i've also realized that i don't ever want to think too highly of my child's intelligence. i'm not saying don't believe in them. i'm not saying don't point out their strengths. but - some people think that just because their child is a fantastic reader - which i agree with! - that they're a genius in every way. when they aren't super comprehenders. when they don't grasp new math skills even as quickly as other kids who might be in resource. i can't stand parents that are smug & act like any shortcoming is all my fault. and not their little genius' fault. i might not be a perfect teacher, not the nicest, etc - but one thing i'm pretty damn sure about is: i reach out to my gifted kids just as much as my strugglers. my principal realizes it. i know it, cause i've focused on it for years. most other parents have really appreciated it, as well. it's called differentiation and i do it, baby. so suck it. mhmm. thanks for letting me vent.
• i go off track tomorrow. yay for 3 weeks of slowing down in life a little. yay for a chance to finally get my name changed, etc.
• did i mention that we got slammed this week with speaking in church on sunday & callings? i'm happy with the calling. we'll be doing it together, and it's not going to be a major time suck. just one hour on sunday. i really didn't want to have weekly meetings, etc... i'm not even going to think about preparing a talk til tomorrow, after conferences, after tracking off...
  
• my pants are so tight today that i'm afraid there might be spontaneous combustion. or something. i don't know how i'll be able to do them back up after lunch. there might be tears.
  
• i haven't had dr pepper since last thursday. it's a bloody miracle. that's the only good of this bladder infection. and since i was on so much pain killers - no withdrawl headaches, too. yay!!! i even passed up free dr pepper, which is the best kind, twice yesterday.
• i'm still peeing more than i'd like to be. last night was up only twice in the night though.
• working late makes me miss Garrett way too much. last night i got home & hadn't properly "winded down" like i usually can before he comes home. so i had to bite him a lot maybe. and i feel bad cause he's kinda sick... so i'm sure i was wearing him out.
  
• Dr. Seuss books are best read S-L-O-W-L-Y!
  
• don't let your kids be the stinky kid in class. it is noticed. you should be ashamed.
• i'm craving some down time to just clean my house like a good little wifey should & read.
• i like making faces. very unflattering ones. and as i get chubbier and chubbier, i become more and more aware of how chubby & ugly i must look a lot of the time. but i don't stop making the faces.
• ALSO - (THIS IS ADDED LATER) i realize i might sound a little negative or smug myself here... but. not all public education is horrible. and if your child is such a little genius, why couldn't she cut it in the private school? get over yourself is all i'm saying. yes, we have our limitations. yes, we can't be elite... but - there are some fantastic teachers out there who do what they should, for the love of kids, regardless of how little money we make.
  

the difference between wanting & needing

so, last night Garrett & i had to run into Tar-gret to get a few things. including some double stuff oreos - cause i wanted chocolate so bad, i was about ready to kill someone/something. so we headed over to the cookie aisle. they had regular oreos - no thank you, not enough stuffing. they also had reduced fat oreos. but. come on people. what is even the point of reduced fat oreos. we all know they're not great for us, we all know there would be healthier choices to be made. the mere thought of reduced fat oreos really just chaps my a*^. and furthermore - why am i not swearing on my own damn blog these days? ass. there. i feel better. moving alone. no double stuff oreos. i was traumatized & i'm sure my poor husband was, too... he was probably thinking "can i bail, right here & now? she's about to cry over the lack of double stuff?" so we walk away, and my shoulders were slumped & i just wanted to pout. (garrett even offered to stop at walmart and get some. but i wasn't going to take him up on the offer, cause i felt a little ridiculous.)

we round the corner & run into an old teaching acquaintance. we catch up for a few minutes - blah blah blah... when all of a sudden 2 target manager type guys round the corner & politely ask us if we're finding everything we're looking for. i'm sure this was one of those times like when people ask you how you're doing... we all know they don't really want an honest answer - they just want a quick, polite response. but boy, did i unload. i said, "actually, no, i'm not finding everything." and proceeded to make a big spectacle of myself. (i'm sure all of these men that were present were a) feeling sorry for Garrett & b) screaming in their heads HORMONES!) i ended my rant with "but, i'll survive, don't worry about it." or something along those lines. they almost pissed me off when they asked if we'd looked on the shelves... and so i went into more of a tirade about reduced fat oreos (you already heard my schpeal) and they came back and apologized.

we continue to talk to my ol' friend... i thought i was done with the worker dudes. a few minutes later, they approach. worker guy #1 says, "we checked in the back to see if we have anything, and found a few packages... do you still want them?" and then guy #2 shows that he's got 3 packages in his hands. WOW. WAS I IMPRESSED. and a little sheepish.

but i took 2 of those packages, cause it's food supply, right? and i just wanted to spend more money at the target because if they're going to employ helpful, friendly employees - then i'll continue to do my best to help their business.

and we only ate one whole row of the double stuffs last night. now you might be thinking that is a lot, but you should know i did hold back. i could've easily finished off the whole package, on my own, without Garrett's help. do you feel sorry for him or what? i did a little for him last night. don't worry, when i'm emotional, i can't really stop it - but i'm at least sane enough to realize that i'm being ridiculous.

now... to the point of this post. goodnightnurse! this morning - i was trying to squeeze into my pants. could barely do it. these pants fit proper like in the beginning of january. but we've had so much fun since we got married (eating), i could barely squeeze my oinker into these guys this morning. immediately the thought that crossed my mind was "shit. those oreos last night didn't help this situation." so i say to garrett, "i need to lose weight. i can barely fit into my clothes." he says, "i know you want to lose weight & we can do that together, but i think you look beautiful!" {insert sigh here. yes, he was sincere. and yes, he is wonderful. and jared, go puke for all i care, just chew some gum afterwards...} and then i smiled, cause he made me feel good... but i corrected him. i said, "i don't want to. i need to. so i can fit into my clothes is all." there is a difference.

in other news - contacts today. good times. even did my hair!

why are glasses so @#%* hard to keep clean?

i'm frustrated today. this day is just not going my way. i got to school, my room is still locked. can't find our grade level key cause someone hasn't put it back where it belongs. i love coming to school early to get stuff done only to waste my time trying to correct other's mistakes & laziness. then i spilled dr pepper all over my desk. i wasn't concerned about the desk, just the waste of the dr.

the biggest reason i'm grumpy though is because i have "viral conjunctivitis" which is pink eye, but not the contagious kind. yes, there are 3 kids... mostly we see bacterial. so my eye is completely bloodshot, itchy & sore... i feel like i've got a massive sty growing. luckily, it's not. but i've been wearing glasses since friday. i'm sick of it. my glasses aren't strong enough, cause they're about 4 years old. i hate how limited it is, wearing glasses. i don't know how people do it all of the time. i hate how my depth perception is off, i hate how i have to move my head so directly to be able to see. i hate how i'm constantly squinting. i hate how these damn things are always smudged from something. i hate how i can't wear sunglasses.

and i am terrible about letting people come close to my eye balls. garrett's been helping - but i'm sure he wants to smack me. i wiggle, i squirm, i whine, i blink, i fidget... what a mess. i try to be good, but it's so hard.

this needs to clear up quick. cause i could all too easily take a few sick days.

please, don't feel obligated to comment here - i just needed to post something not gushy & cheese dash e, so Jared wouldn't vomit, should by some small chance he still be reading my blog.

making an effort

i've been trying lately. trying to get excited about dating. trying to find opportunities to meet people. trying not to think everyone in the world is the biggest swearword. so - i have been doing ldslinkup.com (mainly cause its free) i've been talking to a couple of people, etc. last night i got an email from a not cute guy that said "ur kinda cute :) wanna chat?" um... no, i don't.

1st of all... if the best you can come up with is "kinda cute" - move on dude. i don't want you settling on me.
2nd of all... ur, kinda, and wanna - don't make a great impression on me. yes, i realize that on my blog, i barely capitalize things. but its my blog. i'm fully capable of correct grammar usage. 99% of the time, if i make a mistake, it was intended. but i don't do this when i'm introducing myself, giving someone a first impression of me. then, i use capitals & spell things the way they're supposed to be spelled. i do not use IM lingo. cause i don't want people to think i'm an imbecile. did i mention said guy wasn't even cute?!?

here's my response: If I'm only "kinda cute", probably not. You can surely find someone better than that.

i know, that was rude, but i think he needed a little slap in the face to know that his words, while probably meaning to be nice & charming, were actually nothing but offensive. i did hold back, i wanted to say "especially cause i don't think you're cute at all." you see, i'm trying.

i swear if it happens again...

last night my neighbors across the street decided to have a "kegger" at about 11:30. a smoke out on our patio with all of our loud obnoxious friends kinda kegger, while drinking & getting more and more drunk with each ciggie. (i'm not positive i'm spelling kegger right here... i hope you can figure out what i'm talking about) this happens most weekends, these girls have parties, people go out on the balcony to smoke. "but with the nice weather and all - why do just the smokers have to go out and enjoy the cool breeze," is what i'm thinking they're thinking... "lets take the party outside."

and that's all good and fun for them. not for the 20 other buildings housing at least 3 families a piece. especially not after midnight. i was tired last night, too. recovering still from friday's flu (although thanks to tib's miracle drug - at least i wasn't nauseated anymore!) so i had been asleep before the party started. for a while. but then they had me wide awake - cause lets face it, some of the things were so loud, so obnoxious, and so crude - it had me entertained. i was embarrassed for their sober selves. normally i would be outraged, but i figured - eh, its a saturday night. i'll let someone else get hostile with them.

and someone else did. around 1:30, i hear "HEY YOU! SHUT UP!!! IF YOU DON'T - I'M CALLING THE COPS!" these obnoxious drunk people got a little intimidated & for the next little while, they kept it to just the smokers out on the patio/balcony. (although they still weren't that quiet & did get louder as time went on) and i finally turned on my tv & fell asleep to the tv noise covering up the drunken party slut's noises. which was better.

but tonight - their next door neighbors - they're out doing pretty much the same thing. only they started at around 8 pm. i swear - i have to work tomorrow - if they keep me up, i will be phoning in some troubles. although part of me doesn't want to waste a call in to the cops on these people, i wanna save it for the every weekend partiers.

i think what i'm going to do is start blasting music @ 5 am when i get up for the treadmill & see how they like it. hey - two can play at this game, neighbors!

(that is, if i can drag my butt up at 5 am for the treadmill)