like water for chocolate in real life

preface: i am not sad. seriously, i am not. except i did the ugly cry.

this morning i was doing some prep work for mikey's birthday party tomorrow night. as i was baking, i got a little sentimental and reflective. and when i looked over at my baby who should've been grumpy because he was ready for his morning nap, all i was greeted with was smiles and cheerful noises. the tears came a running. 

so i went over to kiss on him and discovered that he was poopy. way to kill the moment, am i right? so my tears and i took this baby into his room to change him. he kept looking at me and smiling which only made me cry harder. which only made him laugh harder, which made me laugh and cry harder, too. it was a vicious, sweet cycle.

i put him down for his nap after a few minutes of whispering sweet nothings into his ear and kissing on him. by the time i made it out of there, i was beside myself. garrett came out and found me sobbing and just hugged on me. eventually i pulled myself together, though i am tearing up a bit as i remember how i felt this morning. 

i am not sad. i never would've thought - knowing myself who has been a baby hog since i was too young to actually hold a baby - that i would like this stage better than the newborn stage. don't get me wrong, i adored the newborn stage. but this stage is easier. it is more interactive. it is tender. it can be naughty. it is growing and learning. my mom always tells me that the best stage is the one that they are in & i have found that i agree. 

but i guess i'm finding this stage to be slightly overwhelming too. i love mikey so much. so much. i like him. his personality is completely heart warming. i love his tricks. i love his kisses. i love nursing him. i get sad about that being close to being over with. some of my favorite moments of the day involve the quiet little games that we play while nursing. these cuddly moments - make up for the first 6 weeks of nursing hell when my nipples were chapped and bleeding and painful. he's so close to - all of a sudden - walking. he's close to crawling though i am sort of in denial because he's seemed close for months. 

he just today started sitting up from a laying down position. which is something that he should be doing by now, so i was starting to worry about that. i've been able to [mostly, except for when i talk to people who's kid was walking early and implies that something is wrong with my baby because he's not. grrr.] brush off any nervousness about him not walking or crawling, because the immobility was nice. even though he could roll anywhere he wanted.

so these big changes and growths, while exciting and necessary can be a little intense for me, too. i don't want him to stay a tiny baby forever, i like that this kid can stand on his own [if but for a second] and walk along furniture now - it is just a lot. it seems like yesterday that i was worrying if he'd ever sit up and he's been sitting up for over six months now. geez.

i'm just not ready to send him on a mission yet & i know that it is right around the corner. see, i'm not trying to freeze time, just to maybe slow it down a little - this last year went way too fast. while reflecting on the things he's done, i get lost in the thought that it was a year ago that my little newborn was whisked off to the NICU in the middle of the night and this game of worry-but-don't-over-do-it,mom bit me in the butt.

just remember, if you get to eat the chocolate cake tomorrow night - they were happy, loving tears.


garrett said...

I'll admit, I was a little worried when I came out of the office to see you crying. But I was glad to offer a hug during those happy tears! I can't believe he's so big now. I wonder if time will ever slow down.

Amy said...

I totallu know what you mean! I have made it a point never to say "I can't wait until my baby does such and such, or is at this stage" because I know being little is all to fleeting!
Your baby is lucky to have you:) I love that picture of you too.
And also I know three baby boys who didn't start walking until 18 months old and they are all completely normal:)

Jan said...

Beautiful words. *(and it was SO fun to get to actually meet this little guy! And seeing you too even made it better!)

Really really bittersweet, isn't it? And Garrett - -time is not going to slow down. I know that for sure -- so take it all in!! Sigh.