thanks for your words of comfort. each of the 5 comments were incredibly helpful - every single one of you helped me remember something important. thank you thank you thank you.
honestly, i was having a moment. as soon as i posted - i think writing was my way of venting - i was a little bit relieved. my husband was out of town, he'll be home in a few hours, but i couldn't say that last night in case some stranger wanted to come and rape and pillage me. [if there is a raper and pillager out there - know this - i will fight to the death, you won't have an easy conquer & i'm not afraid of hitting boys in the nuts. i got in trouble for it in 2nd grade.] i had had a couple of long days with out any one to talk to whenever i wanted & i think i was just in my own head too much.
i've been trying very hard - before i was reminded - to enjoy the now, not live in fear. i think for the most part i do a good job of it. but after being alone for 2 days... haunted by my own ghosts. it is comforting to know that everyone feels this way, especially with their first.
i am incredibly thankful for this happy, healthy baby boy. i know i am blessed. and i am trying not live in fear.