2.09.2011

don't worry, i'm aware of my neurosis

dear everyone,

thanks for your words of comfort. each of the 5 comments were incredibly helpful - every single one of you helped me remember something important. thank you thank you thank you.

honestly, i was having a moment. as soon as i posted - i think writing was my way of venting - i was a little bit relieved. my husband was out of town, he'll be home in a few hours, but i couldn't say that last night in case some stranger wanted to come and rape and pillage me. [if there is a raper and pillager out there - know this - i will fight to the death, you won't have an easy conquer & i'm not afraid of hitting boys in the nuts. i got in trouble for it in 2nd grade.] i had had a couple of long days with out any one to talk to whenever i wanted & i think i was just in my own head too much.

i've been trying very hard - before i was reminded - to enjoy the now, not live in fear. i think for the most part i do a good job of it. but after being alone for 2 days... haunted by my own ghosts. it is comforting to know that everyone feels this way, especially with their first.

i am incredibly thankful for this happy, healthy baby boy. i know i am blessed. and i am trying not live in fear.

2 comments:

100 Percent Cottam said...

you are awesome, hayley! he's lucky to have a mama like you. i haven't gone thru this, but i did have a friend who had a very, very hard time getting thru fear and anxiety after she had her first. (like, she'd set her baby down and then think the picture frame nearby was going to fall off the wall and crush her. so she'd move her but then think the light fixture was going to fall on her...etc. etc.) eventually she talked to her doctor and was treated for postpartum/anxiety and found it so helpful. i'm not saying you need to be treated, i'm just saying you're not alone and if you think you need a little extra boost there's help available. i personally had the "traditional" version of postpartum depression, if you will, with maya and i didn't get any help for it. looking back i know that i needed it and wish that i had talked to my doctor. anyway, like i said, i think you're an awesome mama and i'm NOT accusing you have needing help, just relating what little experience i have! hang in there!

Mich and Nate said...

Hayley, next time you talk to my mom, have her share some of my experience of being a first time mama. Your last post was almost exactly to a T of what I went through. I couldn't even sleep at night because I worried so much about kade. I was kinda obbsessed. it wasn't all the time, but some days my anxiety just about overwhelmed me. I don't want to give to many details on this comment for the whole world to read..but my mom and hubby finally had me go talk to my doc. I got a little something something that help me like night and day. I have struggled with taking it, and have even gotten off it for a while...just to decide it is better for everyone sakes if I stay on it for a bit, at least through these child bearing years. Don't think I am telling you that your situtation was the same as mine...just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your anxiety. The first few weeks of kades life I would freak out in the car everytime another car got to close to us because I thought they would hit us and hurt Kader. I love reading your blog, because you really are such a great mom and I love how you tell it like it is. I don't think there is ever such thing of loving your little man too much :)