this whole parenting thing... i never knew i could worry so much. sometimes it is so heavy on my heart, i feel like i can't bare it anymore. my son is 4 months old. what am i going to do when he's out driving, going on a mission, being bullied at school, etc.
tonight, we were watching a tv show about a kid being found years after being murdered while walking home from school. mikey was nursing and i whispered to him, "you'll never walk home from school by yourself." and garrett said, "especially if you live in new york." but i meant even in suburban utah, too. i find myself thinking all of the time i will do anything to protect you when i look at that baby.
last friday, at mikey's 4 month check up - the dr mentioned that his soft spot was closed up & that we needed to keep an eye on it. to make sure that his head doesn't become misshapen, like a toaster, she said. i came home and mentioned in passing to garrett that we need to watch it... and then it kinda lingered all week. brewed if you will. then yesterday, it kinda hit me or something. i don't know. maybe i'd been in denial, or shock - i'm not sure. maybe on some level i was trying not to blow it out of proportion. but finally last night, i had to face it.
i started looking into it. and boy, can you find some scary things when you look on the internet. as garrett says, horror stories. but you can also find some helpful information, if you go to reliable sites.
this morning, garrett called our dr and this afternoon she called back. she helped us feel calmer about the situation. this is by no means a death sentence, which in my crazy terrified brain had imagined. sure, he might eventually need surgery on his head - but we don't know that yet.
here's the deal, it could be a few things:
- sometimes babies develop cartilage that feels like the skull plates have fused together, but haven't.
- sometimes the plates overlap and look like there is no soft spot, but they'll eventually stretch out and be fine.
- if it is his that his skull has fused together before it should, they'll do surgery to break the plates apart so his brain will have room to grow.
we have to look for a toaster shape on his head - that would indicate early fusing. the part that worries me is that we won't notice because we see him everyday and the change could be slow and gradual. if we start to notice a change, we'll get him in and get some xrays done to see for sure. we'll hopefully catch and fix anything before defects permanently damage his head. so if any of you ever notice that his head is changing shape and that it looks irregular... please speak up. i won't be offended, in fact i will only appreciate that someone is noticing what i might be blind to.
as of right now, his head is growing properly [a slow down in growth is a bad sign] - it is a big head, but it is growing and the dr kept reassuring garrett that she's not worried. and while that is comforting on most levels... sure she's not worried, right? this isn't her baby. but i'm trying to remain calm. i'm trying to just have faith that he'll be ok.
he we survived the NICU, right? we can survive this, too.
seriously though, this parenting thing - it is the most amazing roller coaster ride of emotions i've ever been on. i'm not complaining... i love it more than i have words to explain. but last night, i was so stressed. so today, i might've appreciated this smiley boy a little more than usual. i might've sat and stared at him more than usual. i might've kissed him more than usual. i might've picked him up a little earlier than normal when he started to fuss. i might've fed him a few minutes early a few times. i might've thought about all of my hopes and dreams for his future more than usual. i'm not ashamed. i love my boy. and i will do anything for him. keep his little head in your prayers, please.