this post is not for the light of heart. be warned. if you don't want to know anything real, stop reading here and now.
so... we've been trying for about 3 months to try to get pregnant. and it hasn't happened yet. and i know everyone will say "don't give up, it'll happen," and unless it won't, it will. i know that. and keep in mind that if you tell me that, i kinda want to punch you. square in the face. i realized this week that i'm not ovulating. until i start ovulating, it doesn't matter, i won't get pregnant. who knows when i start, if ever.
i spent the better part of yesterday down in the dumps. i cried. i tried to come to peace with the option of not having kids. i mean, when i was single, i had made my peace with it. so why can't i now? i don't know yet. i've always really wanted a baby or two of my own. it is a heartbreaking thought to stare in the face. again, if you tell me it'll happen, i have heard. but there are people out there who can't, so shut up. i have to consider that i might not be able to. yes, i realize that it's only gone on for a few months... but we're not talking about 3 months of trying and it just isn't happening. we're talking about 3 wasted months & who knows if this is going to change. and yes, i will consult a dr soon enough... and yes, i realize that there are drugs out there. but still. what if?
in light of all that - we went to the movie with madeline & bradley last night & i sat there holding that sleeping baby. it didn't make me sad, it actually pulled me out of my little mini depression. not because he's mine or i can/will pretend like he is, but because he simply makes me happy & that made me realize that i am so blessed. i never expected to have a wonderful husband like garrett & he has far exceeded any expectations i ever had. if i can't make a baby in this lifetime, i will just enjoy and make the best of what i do have.
the game plan has changed. cause for the last 2 months of paying attention to details and all of the little things trying to get pregnant [temping, opk sticks...] is exhausting. i'm not going to start preventing, but i have to emotionally step back for a minute. at least until i've made it to the dr & gotten some questions answered. for now, i'm going to focus on other goals. cause these other goals won't get in the way of getting pregnant, if anything, they'll only help.
2010 is the year that i'm going to get my body back. i can stand to lose quite a bit of weight. i'm joining weight watchers again, i'm joining a gym. garrett and i spent yesterday and today working on things, figuring out where we want to go and what we want to do this year. i used to have a pretty tight little body, and damnit, i'm getting it back. no more gluttony. no more excuses. no more laziness. i have been inspired by someone who shall remain nameless who has changed her lifestyle. she's doing it - so can i.
believe me, if and when i can get pregnant, i'll stop worrying about the weight, but i hope to continue with the health part of it all. but i just can't handle the emotional stress right now when my body isn't doing what it is supposed to do in order for us to have a baby.
so. there. i'm going to stop looking like i'm pregnant when i'm not pregnant. now, please bless i can get pregnant.