today i'm trying to make the best of it

this post is not for the light of heart. be warned. if you don't want to know anything real, stop reading here and now.

so... we've been trying for about 3 months to try to get pregnant. and it hasn't happened yet. and i know everyone will say "don't give up, it'll happen," and unless it won't, it will. i know that. and keep in mind that if you tell me that, i kinda want to punch you. square in the face. i realized this week that i'm not ovulating. until i start ovulating, it doesn't matter, i won't get pregnant. who knows when i start, if ever.

i spent the better part of yesterday down in the dumps. i cried. i tried to come to peace with the option of not having kids. i mean, when i was single, i had made my peace with it. so why can't i now? i don't know yet. i've always really wanted a baby or two of my own. it is a heartbreaking thought to stare in the face. again, if you tell me it'll happen, i have heard. but there are people out there who can't, so shut up. i have to consider that i might not be able to. yes, i realize that it's only gone on for a few months... but we're not talking about 3 months of trying and it just isn't happening. we're talking about 3 wasted months & who knows if this is going to change. and yes, i will consult a dr soon enough... and yes, i realize that there are drugs out there. but still. what if?

in light of all that - we went to the movie with madeline & bradley last night & i sat there holding that sleeping baby. it didn't make me sad, it actually pulled me out of my little mini depression. not because he's mine or i can/will pretend like he is, but because he simply makes me happy & that made me realize that i am so blessed. i never expected to have a wonderful husband like garrett & he has far exceeded any expectations i ever had. if i can't make a baby in this lifetime, i will just enjoy and make the best of what i do have.

the game plan has changed. cause for the last 2 months of paying attention to details and all of the little things trying to get pregnant [temping, opk sticks...] is exhausting. i'm not going to start preventing, but i have to emotionally step back for a minute. at least until i've made it to the dr & gotten some questions answered. for now, i'm going to focus on other goals. cause these other goals won't get in the way of getting pregnant, if anything, they'll only help.

2010 is the year that i'm going to get my body back. i can stand to lose quite a bit of weight. i'm joining weight watchers again, i'm joining a gym. garrett and i spent yesterday and today working on things, figuring out where we want to go and what we want to do this year. i used to have a pretty tight little body, and damnit, i'm getting it back. no more gluttony. no more excuses. no more laziness. i have been inspired by someone who shall remain nameless who has changed her lifestyle. she's doing it - so can i.

believe me, if and when i can get pregnant, i'll stop worrying about the weight, but i hope to continue with the health part of it all. but i just can't handle the emotional stress right now when my body isn't doing what it is supposed to do in order for us to have a baby.

so. there. i'm going to stop looking like i'm pregnant when i'm not pregnant. now, please bless i can get pregnant.


Elizabeth Ward said...

So many people that I know have gotten pregnant when they stopped trying. I know how stressful it can be. I think that the stress can keep things from working out too.

Everything will work out perfectly when you trust that the Lord knows you and loves you. His plan may not line up with yours. Turn your worries over to him and just let it happen.

(All of that doesn't exactly flow like it did in my head, but I was interupted at least 30 times.)

P.S. thanks for taking the kids yesturday. Madeline thought that she was pretty cool because got to go on a date with you guys.

100 Percent Cottam said...

please bless that you can get pregnant fo' real. we tried 6 months with maya and i KNEW something wasn't right. went to the doctor, and sure enough, wasn't ovulating. (this was after 6 years of birth control.) took clomid 2 months and got pregnant with maya, and things have been clockwork ever since then, gotten pregnant right away with the other 3. my advice to everyone trying to get pregnant is to be very persistent with your doctor. you know if things aren't working. people say "you have to try for a year before you can take fertility drugs" but that is not true. if after 3 months you know you're not ovulating, get your buns into the doctor. write everything down (period start dates & descriptions, any temp records you've taken, etc.) and be very aggressive. tell him/her "i want to be pregnant, NOW, do you recommend clomid or another medication to kick start things?". you have to be in control of your own care, you know what you want, you know your body. my doctor had me take progesterone for one month, but that didn't help me ovulate (i guess it does some people, or at least narrow down when you're ovulating). the next 2 months i took progesterone and clomid, and it worked. get in there, girl! hugs, it's a stressful, emotional thing. you're awesome and will make an awesome mommy, whenever it happens.

MiaKatia said...

I am so sorry that it has been such a hard three months. I hope and pray that you two will be able to get pregnant. I think Natalie's advice is pretty great. I had a difficult time for reasons not related directly to my girly parts, but other health problems and it was all about getting a doctor who was working with me. My prayers are with you guys.

Jan said...

You will be a wonderful mama -- and it will happen. (for physical/actual advice -- see Natalie's comments. I was there during that time and it gets trying, but look what happened!)

Just know that so many of us care a lot and wish we could help. My prayers are going up now!

J+S said...

I will be praying for you. best wishes ... if you can stand a word of advice; enjoy what you have now.

Jared said...

Since there are five other people who may be on your "punch in the face list" ahead of me, I feel I can now safely post my comments. (Although, since my wife may be at the top of that list, do you think you will be passing out those face punches in the order of their comments here or would you punch me in the face when you come over to punch her in the face? If it's the latter, let me know and I will delete my comment ASAP.)

Anyway, all I can say is that it took us three years to get pregnant and in hindsight, the timing couldn't have been better. Having kids is no small matter and the Creator of those amazing little spirits has a plan for you and your little ones.

Oh, and also, do all the girl doctor things that have been suggested and that's all I really want to say in public about ovulation.

kate said...

hayley- I love ya! Hang in there, like everyone else is saying..it will happen, and also I know this is not the same but if you ever need/want to play with mine (and give me some sanity) ha ha-go right ahead. =-) I read your posts and sometimes wish I could do some of the things you're able to do without the kids...like PARTY on new years (my hubby had to work both Christmas Eve, Day, New Years Eve, and Day) so it was just me and the girls most of the time.

Holly O. said...

You have gotten some fantastic support and advice. I don't know what to say about the pregnancy thing. But I do know, you have control over your other goals. So I think it is fantastic that you are going to shift your focus and work on ww and exercising. Have you gotten on hold for the eat this not that books yet? Do it. And I'm sending you this healthy nutrition book today because it really is very good. You and G-Funk have a wonderful life together and I hope you both get what you want. I love you, Goose.

Heather B said...

Hayley, I just love you. I just wanted you to know. I feel your pain. We tried for a year for Jackson. That was after I got pregnant on birth control with Hayley. Go figure. For how amazing our bodies can be, they sure can be stupid!

Good luck. Do things that make you happy. :)

(Hope I didn't get myself on the "punch in the face" list.)

Jori said...

I just saw your personal motto! Mine is almost exactly like that except instead of lose the double chin, it's lose the tripe chin. Good luck! with weight watchers I think it's such a good program.

I've got no advice when it comes to getting preggo I'm unfertile mertyl for sure. I am so happy that you have such a great husband. He seems like such a sweetheart.

Courtney said...

Hayley, I'm in the same boat as you. Darin and I have been trying since we got married and almost 9 months later...nothing. It is devastating because I want to be a mom so bad and it is like everyone around me is pregnant. I keep asking if Heavenly Father keeps sending down spirits, why won't he send one to someone who wants them desperately? But I am trying to have faith in his timing. My doctor is helping me and I finally had my first period in 4 months, so I hope I start becoming more regular. But I know how frustrating and painful it is. I hope it all works out for you!

Heather said...

You have gotten some good advice. Go into that doctor, if your doctor doesn't know you, she will soon. When we want things to happen, yesterday was too late! Love to see all the fitness goals!!

TheFirstWard said...

Don't forget the power of the priesthood!

Karyn said...

Hey, Hayley. I just read your post today & want you to know how sorry I am. I went through all of that with Brennan for a year & a half. I know you've probably been hearing everyone's stories...but maybe it helps a little to know there are others who have shared in your pain & can be a support. I ended up finding out I have endometriosis which can really cuse problems with getting pregnant. once I got that taken out (out-patient surgery) I got pregnant within a few months. It sucks to go through that. I spent SO many many tears on it. Love you & hope it all works out for you guys!!!