5.05.2008

what i've learned in the last two years

two years ago today, i got a call from the temple worker asking me if i wanted to keep my other appointment, and that he was sorry the wedding was cancelled. my wedding was cancelled?? what? that is so not the way to find out. also, keep in mind that that 24 hours previous i had gone through a colonoscopy - which is also not fun. i was at work when i got the phone call, although i shouldn't have been at work. i wasn't feeling well. i was already feeling weak. luckily, when the phone call came, my students had just left for the day & i was able to take a phone call. you can imagine my shock. you can imagine my confusion. my fiance had spent the evening at my house taking care of me, everything was absolutely fine. we were 3 weeks away from what i thought was going to be my wedding. invitations were mailed out, plans were all in place. so when i hear from the sweet little temple worker that my wedding has been cancelled, i was sure he was wrong. at first thought, i thought maybe my fiance's family had had some huge emergency all the way over in tahiti. maybe that was why the wedding was all of a sudden cancelled. so of course, i call the rat bastard. his phone was turned off. i called his work, they tell me he's left on vacation to tahiti that morning. what?!? no, we're going there for our honeymoon, in 3 weeks. this got me even more nervous. so i asked, "what happened? did something happen to his dad?" (his dad was in poor health) his boss said nothing was wrong, that the trip was planned. i wanted to puke. i started shaking. i was quickly going into shock. after i called his roommate, it was confirmed - the RB was on his way to tahiti. he had cancelled our wedding. he had called the temple as he was boarding a plane. i went over to his house immediately & he was sure enough gone. i couldn't believe it. at some point i called my parents & started driving to heidi's house. mind you - today is heidi's birthday. i showed up at her doorstep & blurted it out. "my wedding's been cancelled. vehia's left the country!"

now here's a few things you should know. he grew up in tahiti. we met in hawaii. we'd dated off and on for over 3 years. we had broken up at one point because he didn't want to get married. when he found out that i was dating someone else, he came back & won me over. put on quite the show, apparently. i know some people might think me naive, but i honestly think he wanted to be with me. he just didn't want to get married. i'm not excusing his ways. he was a manipulative, lying, coward - that's just putting it the very nicest. but he isn't gay, though i've heard this time and time again. he wasn't cheating on me. he was just a selfish son of a bitch who got caught in a lie. he got caught between two worlds. one where he was actually in a relationship & another - that apparently, when he wasn't actually with me, where he wasn't in a relationship.

we spent most of our time at my house, not his. we spent most of our time with my friends, not his. i'd only met his family once, when we got engaged at christmas. they live in tahiti, so there wasn't much choice in that matter. but he did talk to them on occasion & he almost always spoke in french. i later found out, through talking to people at his office, that he never told them about me. his one roommate that i knew - he didn't know we were "together," although at one point when he saw a ring on my finger, he was confused. he thought we were just good friends.

ok. so the point of this is not to rehash my disaster that happened two years ago. the point of this little reflection for me is to share what i've learned. i've learned so much in the last 2 years.
  • I've learned that you can instantly feel relief and gratitude, even in the darkest of moments in life. I knew right away that I was being protected & that the Lord knew what was going on. Unfortunately I loved that RB. I would've forgiven him anything. I would've "helped" him. If he had come to me & said, "Hayley, I've messed up." I would've done something. I wouldn't have turned and ran. My Heavenly Father let me suffer through the immediate pain, but He knew that I would be better off in the long run.
  • I've also learned that family is a life saving report. My mom was on a plane and out to be at my side by Sunday. She spent over 2 weeks at my house, snuggling me, letting me cry when I eventually did start, and she just took over. My parents both got busy cancelling the wedding, getting a hold of everyone that they could - they made it so I only had to make a few phone calls. What a help. My mom also came to school and helped me through 2 weeks of high stress and testing. She was an ultimate life saver. The rest of my family was a huge support, too. I received many phone calls and visits and was overwhelmed with love.
  • I learned that you can't get away with lies. Lies might be covered for a time, but not forever. I do realize that in this life, we might get away with a few lies, but eventually they will catch up to us. Luckily for me, the RB's dad was a fairly well known politican in tahiti. So by the time he landed in tahiti, his parents knew. Now, I'm fairly certain that he lied as much as he could to them, to cover his lies, but they knew. They knew he at least had lied about somethings. They were utterly embarressed, I'm sure, too. (Slightly bitter about the fact that they never bothered to apologize directly to me. They talked only to my dad... I think they should've apologized to me, but whatever. I'm sure he lied about things.)
  • I learned that I don't want to just get married. I wanted to marry him, cause i loved him. I thought, though our relationship was imperfect, it was worth it. I quickly learned that I don't want to settle. I also learned that sometimes it isn't about what I want, but that I need to run things past the Lord. I never did that, so I never received an answer of "this is wrong." That would've been helpful. That was probably the hardest & most important lesson to learn. I'm sure I haven't fully learned it, too.
  • I have come to learn that I still feel betrayed and hurt very easily. When people who I think love me make me feel hurt & betrayed, I don't get over it quickly. In fact, there have been a few instances, where I feel so hurt that even though a part of me knows I'm being ridiculous, I can't stop. I'm hurt. still. sadly. I am easily betrayed, and I don't think I was before. I just don't understand how people can do things to people they love. Yes, I realize I'm not perfect & have probably hurt others. I wish I could get over this part. I'm working on it.
  • I've also learned that relationships need to have some level of jealousy and or checking up. I was never one to go through his phone, or check his email. I won't do those things, but I also will ask more questions. And not just accept answers that are so loose and vague.
I have learned a lot more, but music class is now over & it is time for me to move on. With my day, not just over all emotionally. I wish I didn't hurt still. I wish I was more eager to get out of my safety zone and date. Or I wish that all of these "nice guys" out there were more attractive to me. I'm working on that part. I know I'll need to learn how to trust again, how to be a part of a relationship, you know - not getting grossed out when someone wants to spend more than one night a week with me. I have dated a lot of people in the last 2 years. But I haven't had a boyfriend. Not a real one in a very long time.

oh yeah, happy birthday heidi!

19 comments:

Melissa said...

Oh I am so sorry...what an utter disaster!! I am glad you made it through...a stronger person for sure. Love ya!

Jori said...

Girl, I am SO sorry. For some reason this has never dawned on me before. You haven't ever seen that jackass since right? He just bailed and that was that. Oh my he is going to burn someday. I'm sorry you've been hurt. I just know somebody great is going to come along. You're right the most valuable lessons are definitely the most difficult.

PS-I would kick tahitian treat in the go-go's for you if I ever see him. I may start kneeing all male tahitians just for good measure.

100 Percent Cottam said...

i'm so sorry that it ever happened, of course, and that you're still hurting. but i'm so happy you've chosen to learn so much from it. you're a strong, amazing girl!

Schagel Family said...

It really stinks that we have to go through hard times to learn and to become better. I am so sorry that you had to go through all that.
I am still looking here.

Hayley said...

thanks everyone. jori, i did have to see him a few times. he owed my parents lots of money & he also helped me financially for a little bit. and you are welcome to kick his gogos in every day! ;)

and natalie, you're right. its just another choice - we make so many choices everyday. we also can choose not to be the victim. i hope i've done good enough at that.

Jan said...

Hayley, you really are amazing. In the past 2 years, you have learned so many lessons because you CHOSE to learn them. I love that you can look at yourself and see what you still need to do and to learn -- but the lovely part about this life is that we just keep on keeping on. And that's what you are doing. I'm really in awe of you and your attitude. Love you!

MiaKatia said...

Hayley I am so sorry that you had to go through that. My heart aches for what you have been through. You are tough and strong and most of all you learned a lesson. Many people (me included sometimes) can go through really tough stuff and not learn anything from it. You are really great and you have so much to offer ever person who gets the chance to know you... When it comes to letting a new guy in and being in a relationship, be as brave as you can today and maybe tomorrow you can take it one step further. The Lord will be there for you and He will help you let your heart fall in love again.

Jori said...

Okay, so you did see him. Did the dill weed apologize? Did he show any remorse whatsoever??? Ew! this chaps my hide.

Hayley said...

yeah, he did apologize. but i don't buy it. he felt bad that his name was ruined, with some people. he wasn't sincerely apologetic. he might have felt bad that he was losing me, but obviously not bad enough to stop himself or keep himself from lying. he could've fixed that problem for himself!

Suzie said...

callous, selfish, cowardice...
ok. done with him.

you tell this story with the wisdom of someone who has learned a great lesson about people and about yourself. And it's only been two years.
I'm very impressed. AND so sorry you had to go through it at all.

Oh, the LEARNING! THE LEARNING!

Shelley said...

About your 4th and 5th bullet points... can I say DITTO!? Almost exactly Hayley. I never asked the Lord if it was alright, I just wanted to get the hell out of Cali... and look where it got me.

And I think everyone feels that bitter when they're hurt by someone they once loved or even just trusted. I think I've since built a wall up around my heart, and it can't be good, or healthy... It's going to take me a while to get over it all too. If you ask me though, it's completely normal.

Love you Hayley. :)

Holly O. said...

Two years ago already? Mom and Dad are troopers in times of crisis. And even though that was a horrible experience, it is wonderful that you found there was something to learn from the experience.

Tiburon said...

Hayley - the fact that you can find a silver lining in all of this is awesome. You kick butt! I would totally help Jori kick him in the ding ding too.

Mom said...

I'm sure glad I was able to come and be with you during that time.
Keep smiling. Things are just going to get better.

tara said...

you're awesome hayley. just awesome.
and he's an ass.

Suzie said...

I know I already commented but this thought came to me as you came into my thoughts yesterday evening.

I was talking to my oldest daughter about her current boyfriend and because of your post, I asked her if she made her getting-serious-fast-relationship a matter of prayer.

thank you!
also, I imagined you and your own daughter having the same type of conversation and you having a well of experience & perspective to teach by.
{hugs}

Heather said...

Gosh Hayley, I can't believe it's been 2 years already. Mom and Dad are pretty great, huh? I'm so glad Mom was able to go out there and be with you at that time. You have learned some pretty tough lessons haven't you?? I love you Hayley. xoxoxo

brookey said...

you didn't miss the lessons, and that's such a big deal. i learned how to do that from gail "the rock" eaton, and you learned it the hard way. you're a champion. i loved watching your progress that summer, and being in the temple with you for the first time. and i love the strong soffy girl you are today.

Jared said...

I'm scanning through your blog looking for pics for your lunch centerpieces (there are some great ones, too :) and I came across this. I don't know how I managed to stop here because as we speak Liz is in the car waiting for me to go to my Mom's house to put all of this together. But... for what it is worth, I am really glad that things worked out the way that they did. I can also assure you that Garrett is not "that guy" (as if you didn't already know that.) Anyway, I'm just really happy for you guys and can't wait to see you sealed together in the temple on Saturday.