4.29.2008

whats up with me being a big fat baby

i saw juno. i laughed. but i cried more. jennifer garner's character was hard on me. a)she was let down by her loser of a husband - i could relate... b)she wanted to be a mother so bad, & couldn't - i could also relate. big fat cry baby hayley.

this weekend, i saw baby mama. tina fey's character couldn't get pregnant. she wanted kids. i cried some more. even bigger & fatter cry baby hayley.

don't get me wrong. i'm happy for people when they have kids. i'm not that sick & twisted, that i begrudge someone their happiness. i want kids. not student kids. babies of my own. it breaks my heart when i realize that there's a very good chance that i won't be having kids of my own. luckily i have sisters who let me "steal" their babies. they let me spoil their babies, hog them & hold them, bathe them & snuggle them. see, unfortunately for me, i've been "baby hungry" my whole life... i just wasn't husband hungry when there was a pool of decent husbands to pick from. ahhh... regrets...

i wish i could say this isn't a heart ache to me. but it is. this morning, i was looking at someone's blog & she has a little baby. before i knew what was going on, tears were welling up & i felt envious. i'm sorry, i don't mean to be a complainer, just needed to get that off my chest this afternoon.

13 comments:

Jori said...

You are a sweetie pie Hayley! You will make such a great mom. I'm going to email you the rest of my comment. you are a mega babe!

Kami said...

It will happen for you, I know it.

We missed you last night, it was fun!! Tib just loves you!! And she wants us to set you up with my little brother. Let's do it!

Christina said...

(((Hayley))) I'm sorry. Some days we're just reminded of what we don't have (or do have) that we want (or don't want) and it stinks. I hope tomorrow is better.

Holly O. said...

Goose. We have been pretty quiet with each other for over a week. I can't keep quiet anymore. Your babies are waiting for you. They are.

And I am bringing two babies who love you to see you soon. Not that it makes up for what this post is about.
xoxo

100 Percent Cottam said...

first of all, you are perfectly welcome to complain all you want! second, don't start thinking that just because things haven't happened yet, that they won't at all. one of my good friends in my ward got married at 33. now at 38 she has 2 little boys and hopes to have at least one more kid. she said that at age 27, people had already written her off and said things like "now maybe being married and having children isn't a blessing you're meant to have in this life." girlfriend, don't let anyone do that to you and don't do it to yourself. you have plenty, plenty of time! and you are so awesome, lady! the blessings WILL come, keep on having faith!

Mia said...

I never have the right words when I really want them. But I do always have a hug. ***Hugs***

Kate said...

I'm going to tell you what I always thought applied to myself- there is a reason for everything. Maybe you were meant to experience other things before your family comes along. Sounds kinda dumb but I look back and there is NO WAY I would have been ready (mature enough) to have a family at 20 or 25 even! Hang in there, I know how hard it is.

Tiburon said...

Oh I see some spawn in your future. Mr Right just isn't QUITE ready for you yet. He could be just one blind date away *hint hint*

In the meantime you should shower your neices (and my kids) and nephews (and my kids) and my kids with lots of affection! :)

Shelley said...

Wow Hayls. I thought I was the only one who felt like that. I have literally cried myself to sleep because I don't have kids. EVERYONE says "at least you don't have kids" going through this divorce... Funny that's the one thing I wanted from it. It sucks, because we had a plan, I was supposed to be a mom by now. I'm not, I'm just a loser, and it kills me inside daily. *HUGS*

Jan said...

Ah, Hayley -- I had tears just reading your post. I agree with everything that has been said -- and add that I know it will happen for you. It will. You have so much to give and there are little people waiting to be yours. Don't give up - it's way too early to do that. Hang in there. Lots of hugs!!

Hayley said...

thanks everyone. i'm not saying i've given up. i know there are people out there who get married beyond 21. even beyond 30. i'm not talking about that, so much. i'm talking more about the fact that i want kids. yesterday. ;) i'd love to get married, but will not settle. and i can and will be happy in life, but there will always be heartache if i don't have my own children.

Suzie said...

my heart goes out to you.
There is always hope in the promises Heavenly Father has for us.

and seriously, how fun of a mom are you going to be? jsut keep practicing with all the other kids in your life.
love ya

Kristi said...

Hayley, you have such a tender heart. I love you and I'm sorry you have been sad. You go ahead and cry and vent and let it all out and don't feel bad about feeling sad sometimes...and then go ahead and treat yourself to something nice...and then feel better. :) It is hard when you have a plan of how you want things to go amd the plan changes on you, but you are one incredible catch and (even though sometimes you don't (or I don't) want to hear this) things will work out. :)