the almost slaughter

so I am giving up (for now) on my bookclub book for the month, Red Rover. It came highly recommended. But its dragging & I'm off track & want to be reading things of enjoyment. I want to find myself coming up with excuses to go and read. like taking a warm bath. or going to bed early. I don't want to force it. I don't want to go to bed early to actually fall asleep. So, I grabbed The Almost Moon and threw it into my suitcase before I left for Heather's house. Just in case I finished my book while I was there & needed the nexty. The night before I left, I got a little fed up with "reddy" & switched them out. Found myself sucked in right away.

Well, last night, on the airplane (home, sadly) this man was reading over my shoulder, I realized. I realized it when I caught him laughing at the very same time I was laughing. When I looked at him, he got embarrassed. The thing that was making me laugh - was a totally inappropriate sex scene, too. That man was dirty! I mean, its one thing to read smut on your own, but to mooch off of someone elses? come on! get a life!

all of my life, i've hated people on airplanes. this trip - both flights totally amplified my feelings for the retardation of people on an airplane. People - its shared space. We don't want to smell your stinky feet - leave your shoes on. We don't care to hear your lame ass ramblings about how excited you are to go to Costa Rica. On the flight out - I had to work hard to keep from committing a hate crime. This lady was a fake-n-baker so bad. She literally smelled like she'd come straight from a tanning bed. She wasn't tan, either. She was bright orange. This is coming from someone who doesn't think she's better than tanning, either. I do fake-n-bake. I'm not proud of it, but I'd rather not look like a ghost. This lady was loud & obnoxious. And stinky. And if i had to hear her talking for another hour, i probably would be in jail right now.

Then last night - this old stinky lady, who didn't understand english very well, so she yelled, was across the aisle from me. bless her for traveling alone. but she had stinky feet & when she took off her shoes, it made my eyes water. Then, she proceeded to turn herself and basically face me. And she fell asleep & snored so loud! I was getting breathed on people. I finally turned and tried to stare her into consciousness. The man behind me started laughing - but since he wasn't reading over my shoulder, I didn't mind. He got the situation and found humor in me. Him, I didn't want to hurt. so much.

My advice to people on an airplane. Keep to yourself. Be polite, but we're not best friends. We'll hopefully never see each other again. But smile, for the love of pete - its Christmas! OH & keep your damn shoes on. Don't snore or at least, use a breathe mint!


100 Percent Cottam said...

hee hee. you would hate traveling with me. my feet get so cold on the airplane, so now i pack myself some socks. i take my shoes off & put my socks on and ride in sock feet. sure, it's shared space, but we're going to be here for a while and i want to be comfortable. but i'm not a chatter. i stick in my headphones and ignore, ignore, ignore. if i'm not wrestling munchkins, that is.

Jori said...

I can't believe that sicky was reading over your shoulder-ew! How funny that you tried to stare the lady awake. Oh Hayley you crack me up.

Mom said...

We can add this to our book we will publish someday about riding on airplanes and all our experiences.
Fun stuff.

Heather said...

That man is a bit of a sick-o. I can't stand sitting back by the bathroom. They tend to stick babies in the back, by the toilets. I have noticed this lately, and I don't like it. Anyhoo, we miss you. Glad you made it home in one piece, since you HAD to go, you might as well go safely. xo

tara said...

totally agreed. there is nothing quite like the scent of freshly burned flesh. You can totally smell a tanner. I know, because I am a recovering tanner.

LOVED your story hayley. You should have offered your lap to the nosey neighbor of yours.
you cracked me up tonight:)

Emily said...

I worked with a girl that faked baked EVERYDAY. We used to call her oompa loompa behind her back.(I was a bit of a stinker back then)

carrie pearson said...

I am with you sister! On a Friday night home a few weeks ago this OBNOXIOUS man, with his shirt undone and chest hair everywhere, talked the whole time. Loudly. About how he sleeps with other woman while he is away at work all week. His wife is cool with it. He picks them up in bars, etc. His chatting partner, whom he just met, was intrigued. They talked the WHOLE flight. And the put their seats back the whole way so they were in my lap. I wanted to scream "shut the hell up you slimy freaky man."

Seriously, what do people think?