5.05.2007

the long run

Holly's friend Natalie left me a comment about my blog from yesterday & I've been thinking about that a lot today, especially. I know & knew even as it was happening that I was better off. And by that I mean, as I was piecing together the lies that my life was, I had a sense of understanding that I wouldn't want to be married to someone who could live a double life. Who could lie the way he was lying. He wasn't being forced into a marriage, in fact he did ask me to marry him. If he was so unhappy, he could have and should have broken it off. But instead he continued to plan a wedding and furthermore a life, with me, at least when he was around me. But he didn't plan that life when I wasn't around. By that, I mean, he didn't tell his roommate or his work that he was ever engaged. He told his family that it was off months before. They're in Tahiti, so that was convienent for him. Me not being a jealous person, I didn't ask lots of questions. I trusted, heaven forbid. I was shocked and honestly probably am still to this day. I've learned a lot though. I've learned that secure or not, you ask questions. You see for yourself, and don't just believe stories being told to you. Anyway, one day he just disappeared. I got a text message out of the blue from him telling me that he loved me & that was the last I heard from him. 30 minutes later the temple called. And Natalie - you're right, I thank the heavens above every day that I didn't marry that guy. I admit I still think about being married to the person I thought he was. But that's not him & I know that I had a special something looking out for me. I think that if he would've just come to me and told me that he had made some terrible mistakes, I would've forgiven him. Sad, but I just loved him enough to forgive him. I think Heavenly Father knew that & took that power away from me. I know that what I went through was absolutely devastating at the time, but better for me in the long run.

Most of the time, I don't get upset about it anymore. The anniversary of it has been hard. But my day to day life isn't sad about him anymore. I've moved on. I've dated. Honestly, dating has been hard cause we were together for a long time & I was happy. Now, I have lost faith and the desire to sacrifice all that I think relationships are... I'm 28, independent & don't feel sorry for myself for not being married. I know that I should get married, and I'd like to find someone worthy of that cause. But I won't settle. I will be sad if I don't get the opportunity to be a mother in this lifetime, but I've got sisters & their kids. And my students. And sometimes I like going home to a quiet home. :)

4 comments:

Holly O'Keefe said...

You are an incredible auntie. You will be an incredible momma. You have a lot of people who love you, no doubt about it!

Mom said...

You rock my world and make me laugh. xoxo Mom

Shelley said...

You're a strong woman too Hayley, just like your mom. :) You may not be able to see it now, but some of us sure do! Your friends and family LOVE you, and because of this whole crappy mess, you've become a stronger person. :) I admire you for that. xoxo

Chris * Natalie * Maya * Mason said...

wow, i inspired an entire post with my nosy-ness! :) as i said before, i don't even know you (i think we've met?) but i love holly and she speaks so very highly of you. anyway. as i get older and learn more about life outside of my very sheltered world (which i'm very happy in, thank you!), i've come into contact with so many terrible things - fortunately, not directly. i have 2 friends in particular that have gone through things i can't imagine due to the awful choices of others. i worry so much about how to protect myself and my kids (and my husband!) from this terrible world we live in. the only thing i've been able to come up with is staying as close as i can to heavnly father and living the gospel as best i can, so that i can feel the influence of the spirit in my life. it's so scary, though. i'm so sorry that you've had to go through this but i'm so happy that things worked out the way they did, because you've protected yourself from such worse heartache in the future. and your attitude is great - i'm sure you will be blessed with a wonderful husband and family when the time is right. don't you hate it when people say that? just remember that heavenly father is completely aware of you. he has been and continues to guide your path. (i promise i'm not usually this cheesy, i swear. ask holly! your story really just spoke to me.)